"There must be many other things to think about that are more important than the passage of time, since so many other things stir our enthusiasm and drive us to act. That proves that Time doesn’t rule through the power of the Inevitable, and that the Inevitable isn’t Life." Anais Nin, 1919, sixteen years old.

An especially poignant quote for the start of this year. Though a few days behind, I can't allow the opportunity to pass for me to begin penning resolutions. It has been particularly difficult in the last month to pinpoint specific things I wish to accomplish, and the vague ideas I have rattling around lack suitable clarity.

These things usually come quickly to me, almost too easily, to the extent that each year I'm left evaluating all that I am not. Anxiety mingles with my enthusiasm for the time to begin anew, and I usually spend the first couple of weeks in January manically behaving as if I'm doing my best impression of myself. A song and dance of concerted effort that eventually fades to an absent minded shuffle. The newness wears thin, routine replaces resolution, and life proceeds as normal.

Should I accept this year's difficulty to define what it is that needs changing and accomplishing as a good omen? Hardly so. Resolutions have grown the skin of witticism, but lack the bones of a punchline... The kind of joke that preys on the entire audience, all deer-eyed with nervous laughter, ultimately left confused and let down. We promise to go to the gym in the 25th hour of the day, we promise not to lose patience in a world of self-importance, we vow to be mindful of frivolous spending as we type on new iPhones. Two weeks in to the new year the punch-line hits us, joke's on you, kid.

I was afraid to tackle my list this year, though it must be done. These things are important to me, the thought of a blueprint to refer to when I get a little off track. The stubborn traditionalist in me demands the list be made. What is a year without things to look forward to and things to reflect on? Things made concrete in lists. But how to begin with these lazy, unfinished globs of stray thoughts that persist to demand a spot in the 2010 agenda?

It was the bravery and precociousness of Nin's childhood New Year's Eve entry that gave me the courage to begin. "...the Inevitable isn't Life." As a severe creature of habit, I tend to nurture the things that already possess meaning and go deaf to that which requires adjustment. I love the comfort of knowing, the ease of routine, and the level of peacefulness and joy that accompanies a quiet, easy life. Just enough room for the spontaneity of friendships and adventures, but still dependable enough to move through with eyes wide shut if need be. An exercise in the Inevitable. (I love how she chose to capitalize that, an identity.) My resolutions are not being channeled clearly because they challenge me to recognize that sometimes you must push beyond comfort to enrich life.

The following is an embarrassingly cursory glimpse at the nagging voices of self-critique that scrimmage for my attention... Nebulous as it may be...

1. Nin is right; my happiness is rarely a product of temporal circumstance. Why am I so preoccupied with time? I've moved through life always looking ahead, always one foot in the next phase. I readily appreciate the value of a moment, but lack the ability to live in it. It is especially important now that I wrap up my long undergraduate career and face (perhaps for the first time) a series of glaring question marks, that I don't obsess over what lies in the future. I want to enjoy this interim, I want to be level-headed and open-minded enough to recognize opportunities as they arise. It would be a crime against time to try planning for it now. I will resist my impulse to jump ahead five years and I will listen to the moment.

2. A consequence of honoring simplicity is that often it means oversimplifying by mistake. The area in which I am most guilty of this is in my friendships. Admittedly, I have not been a good, present friend to many of the people I love. My habit of tending to what is in front of me and allowing the rest to fall in to place simply does not work in the realm of friendship. There are people I owe apologies to for my absence and thoughtlessness, there are people with which I would like to make amends, and still more who I simply need to make time for. These people are important to me, friends old and new alike, and as of late the universe has presented me with example after heartbreaking example of how quickly these bonds can deteriorate. I will attempt atonement, forgive past digressions, and tighten what's come loose.

3. I'll stop making empty promises to adopt behaviors that should be habitual and simply live as an adult. This is a multi-layered, all-encompassing, giant scary umbrella of responsibility that has been shirked for too long. A new decade, a new chapter of adulthood, discarding what is petty in favor of what garners worth and integrity. I will be mindful of responsibility; punctuality, willfulness, proactivity, and reciprocity.

4. As I gain perspective with the years, I realize that skepticism has its place, but that optimism and a forgiving heart should always rank supreme. I grew up in a family live with sarcastic banter, sharp tongues, begrudged shoulders, and cynicism. At times this can be a comical, even therapeutic way of looking at the world; always critical, rarely naive. But in recent years I have seen how this mentality permeates the soul in to old age and replaces good memories with the bitter undertones, fosters ill-will, and renders a person unrelatable and self-contained. I have no intention of suppressing my innate disposition for a critical eye and a little quick wit, but I do need to lighten up. This one will be difficult given that I pride myself on keen intuition and my ability to accurately judge character, but... I will refrain from making fast judgements about those I don't know. (This will have to come in baby steps, working retail feeds my cynicism). This is an essential step in letting go of other counter-productive, negative mental baggage.

No more clear in words than it was in my mind, but delineated nevertheless. In review, these aren't as muddled and intangible as they were running freely in the ol' limbic system. My crazy mammalian brain is ready for a little reinvention.